Valentine’s Day
Despite the fact that the movie packs a star-studded cast, Valentine’s Day, which premiered on Feb. 12, has successfully ruined the holiday Valentine’s Day for the foreseeable future (and I guess it’s a good thing I paid the matinee price for two).
Not only did it ruin my day, the movie also packed a heart-shaped box of terrible acting, terrible writing, abundant clichés and gender stereotypes. Aborigines could produce better movies.
The story goes something like this:
Part One:
A man (Ashton Kutcher, The Butterfly Effect) who runs a flower store loves his girlfriend; therefore, he proposes. She says yes. A school teacher (Jennifer Garner, Juno) loves a doctor (Patrick Dempsey, Enchanted) who Garner believed was divorced, but (the typical cliché) is still married to his wife (again with the clichés: She is a typical rich housewife.) Kutcher’s and Garner’s characters are best friends in the film. Naturally, in a twist of fate, Dempsey comes into Kutcher’s flower shop to buy flowers for both his lover, Garner, and his wife. When Kutcher’s character realizes the connection, he initially doesn’t have the fortitude to tell Garner that Dempsey’s character is a cheat; meanwhile, she’s ready to surprise Dempsey in San Francisco. When she discovers his infidelity, Garner gets her revenge by pretending she’s a waitress in a bistro. She waits on Dempsey and his wife, says some metaphors, and storms out. Nothing new there.
Part Two:
Another story puts Anne Hathaway from The Devil Wears Prada (a phone sex operator and receptionist) and Topher Grace from Spiderman 3 (a mailroom worker for the sports agency) together for a little lovin’. How the two met is unclear; however, the two eventually fall for each other. Grace eventually, at Valentine’s dinner, finds out Hathaway is a phonesex operator and, for some reason, is distraught. The two argue, but make eventually make up. How cute. All of the cast members’ stories eventually intertwine or have some relation to one another, making the concept interesting, but leaving the story found elsewhere — perhaps in a Taylor Swift song.
Perhaps ironically, Taylor Swift makes an appearance early in the film with Taylor Lautner (Twilight), which instantly drew gasps from the audience. I, however, reached for my imaginary gun, pointed it to my temple and pulled the trigger.
The two Taylors play two cliché high school morons, poignantly “in love.” Swift plays the typical cheerleader, while Lautner plays the typical jock. The acting between the two was something a pair of fourth graders could have done, which is probably the last time either of them had acting lessons. The best part of the movie is when Lautner is doing the high jump, trips and falls. Aside from that single moment of slap-stick comedy, the movie had no redeeming qualities. Maybe next Valentine’s Day I will just take my $20 and burn it; it would be better spent.
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